At some hotel, peering
out the window, people are laying out by the pool below. I think I see someone I know, I'm not sure
though, she doesn't see me, I turn to my room and feel an impulse to hide. Get out my laptop to see if I can browse
computers connected to the hotel network, get some sort of confirmation that
this is the person I think it is. One
looks promising, but I'm still unsure, I steal as many files as I can, one is
marked, "5N to Lara" I think, these could be directions somewhere? Isn't 5 a
-
Driving randomly, I make my way to some sort of college
town, it's not
-
Dad is talking to her I hear. How did this happen? Dad doesn't even know who Danielle is! This is annoying. They are having lunch at the cafeteria at
Dad denies anything of course. I just want him out of the picture.
-
Party/Gathering at some large house. I don't know whose house but I feel
comfortable. It reminds me of my Uncle's
old house, the place my Grandfather died, but I don't know. Geoff and Danielle are there, I'm supposed to
give her a list of books to read. She is
carrying around a little book of pictures of the two of them. I steal it, but I'm unsure of my motivation
in doing so. Simon and Geoff get along
really well. I'm in the basement, it's
finished and comfortable (no stoniness, no metallic anything). I hear people running around looking for
Danielle's picture book, I say, "I have it!
I saw it laying on a table and put in my pocket so it wouldn't get lost
or trampled." I hand it to her, she
smiles. As Geoff and Danielle leave,
Simon and Geoff say, "March!" as though it's some plan they agreed on. Danielle asks me, "What did you have for me?"
I say, "Oh it was a list of books for you to read, but I forgot it." She looks
disappointed, I say, "I'll get it to you" she says, "I'll call you" - Simon and
I drive off in the old blue Tracker, that car's been gone for years.
I've been trying to breakdown the dream since I woke up Friday morning. Parts of it are obvious, some of it is vague. I haven't yet taken this dream to either of my shrinks, no doubt it will come up Monday morning when I go to analysis.
The woman sunning at the hotel, I want to reach for the obvious, but I don't recall it being any specific person, more of an amalgamation of faces, characteristics and histories intertwined. Peter's going to read this as confirmation of his theory of the all women in my history being a reflection of my mother. I'm not sold on that quite yet.
5N to Lara?!? Highway 5 is only notable/known to me for two reasons, one is the Jackson Browne song "I'm Alive" where he mentions driving down it "with your laughter in my head". The other is that it's the highway that doesn't meet San Francisco. All the times I've been to California have always started and ended in San Francisco. Why not highway 1? That would make a lot more sense.
Lara? The obvious would be Lara from Dr. Zhivago. A Russian? Lots of ways to go with that, too many in fact. For some strange reason, every serious relationship I've had with a woman has always had a piece of Russia in it. M was Russian! No one "owns" that connotation simply because it's shared by so many people in my life. It isn't M. That much I know.
The random driving. On my way home from analysis on Thursday I decided I wanted sushi, and for some reason I decided on getting it from Sansai even though I think that's the sushi equivalent to McDonalds...maybe I was feeling cheap. I wound up taking this really backwards way there through Kirkwood using streets I'd never gone through before, I just knew I'd intersect Lindberg sooner or later. I had that same feeling in the dream, knowing you're headed in the right direction that it really didn't matter which street you took because you were going to end up somewhere near where you're headed. The town I wound up in...it wasn't Columbia, it was Missouri...perhaps the dream was telling me that I can have Columbia without Columbia? That a new place can be the same without being what Columbia was for me?
Geoff and Danielle. I haven't really talked about it much. Danielle is the younger sister of my best friend Jeff's ex-girlfriend. There was a very brief period about 6 years ago where we shared a moment of closeness. I've always had a soft spot for the girl. Jeff noted to me once that we always ask him about the other. The last time I saw her was when Jeff sent her to pick up bail money from me the night he got arrested for driving drunk. A couple of weeks ago I asked Jeff to invite Danielle and her fiance Geoff to my birthday party. I woke up the next morning to find a 3 am voicemail from Jeff informing me that Geoff died a week before in a freak accident on a highway. Danielle tried to revive him on the side of the road, but he had died on impact. It took 45 minutes for the paramedics to get there. I'm told at first she refused to believe he was dead, kept telling people he was in the hospital and coming home soon. Jeff told me by the day of the funeral she was a bit better, but heavily drugged on valium. I wanted to call and offer condolences, but I thought it was too soon. Last week I finally called, the day of my birthday actually, she told me in her own words what happened, announced she was married and that a friend of hers was some kind of pagan priest who performed a ceremony where she married his ashes mixed with her blood. She told me how she drank a lot of vodka and almost died but her fiance came and convinced her to go throw up. She mentioned he talks to her all the time. "What's funny." she said, "Is that we still bicker." I couldn't tell how real he might still be to her. I brought it up in analysis, Peter said, "A cause for concern no doubt." I said, "I dialog with imaginary representations of people in my past all the time, but I'm fully aware it's imaginary." He said, "That's the key. The question is, how real is it to her?" I need to call her again.
So back to the dream, in this not-Columbia town, a house on a hill (like Aunt Lisa's?) or more like a trimmed down version of the imaginary home of my fantasies? There they are, Geoff and Danielle. Geoff is dead, he knows it, I know it, but he's still there, interacting with her. Why does she sit in my lap? What's with the shorts/pants thing? He's caring for her, like a mother telling a child to dress warm...but she's sitting in my lap. She's obviously under the influence of something, her words are slurred slightly, her eyes are a bit blank, but she can make eye contact. As she pulls the shorts off, I remember noting in the dream that despite the fact that she's half naked in my lap that I'm not aroused at all, despite the fact that I've always found her attractive. Does that mean I'm to be a neutral friend here? I've noted my incapacity to be just that when my own desires are involved. A new epoch for me? I tell her that she needs to get help.
Why is Dad in my dream? Peter would call this an easy one, but I think he overstates the place my parents hold in my life. My dad's never met Danielle, doesn't know who she is, why are they having lunch together? My Dad's tendancy to boost his ego by making his relative stability standout against someone clearly damaged? Or is this an answer to the previous scene? Contrasting what I can be with what I used to be? Why Deaconess? Why not Barnes? Barnes is the hospital of my mother, the place of my birth, the office of Dr. C (my other shrink). The co-worker of my dad's asking about the anklet. A reminder of just how long ago it was that my Dad and I had any kind of relationship? That is about how long ago it was. Reaching into my shirt to see? The medal I used to wear? A connection between the anklet and the miraclous medal I wore when I was Catholic? That's a rich one, too much back story to fit in there, but I suppose there is quite a connection between the two. Is that my clue to Lara? Peter insists that the scenario that led to the anklet was a manifestation of "repitition compulsion". The tendancy of the unconscious to recreate past traumas in order to attempt to gain mastery of the original traumatic event. One person's central trauma did involve a medallion. Interesting.
Finally, the party. The house felt comfortable. For me to feel comfortable in someone else's house these days I have to be on pretty damn friendly territory. I mention in the journal that it evokes a memory of an Uncle's home, where my Grandfather died, but I note I'm unsure. I don't want to be inserting context into a scene where it doesn't belong, so we'll skip it for now.
Geoff and Danielle are there. He's still obviously dead, and yet obviously walking and talking and showing up at a party. I'd made a list of books for her to read, I think "a thousand books" (the difference between the Bash that Danielle knew 6 years ago and Bash now?) I can't have read a thousand books in the last 6 years, a couple hundred or more maybe. Why am I giving these to Danielle? Why do I steal her picturebook? Why do I want pictures of her and her fiance? To see what love is like? A reconigition that I haven't had my own?
The basement. I dislike basements for various reasons, too much to get into now...but this one feels okay. The basement of my Uncle's house was finished. I played there as a child, it was a comfortable space. Simon and Geoff get along well. They've never met in real life. Simon gets along with everyone? Even dead people?
I return the picturebook to Danielle. She needs it. She looks disappointed when I tell her I don't have the list for her and says, "I'll call you." She's said that a few times over the past 6 years and it never happened. Simon and I drive off in the Tracker. Our first shared car. Simon junked it back in 2004...but it was our primary means of getting anywhere in high school and throughout Simon's college years.
Well, we'll see how this dream plays Monday morning.
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